Love for the Loveless

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

~1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13

Neither am I a Valentine scrooge or a candy-heart, cupid-obsessed practitioner. While Valentines are cute and the hearts are pretty, the day was only special to me in kindergarten when each kid had their homemade candy mailbox sitting at their desk. It was fun to wear pink and drop off candies with the corny note taped on to our friends, but the magic of Valentines passed for me when my endearing nana passed on the love-infested day when I was in first grade. Since then, Valentine's Day is sweet, but there is always an awkward essence to the day. I was so young, and I never knew how to entertain the idea of checking in on my mom to see how she is handling the day that turned her world so dark. It really wasn’t until the last couple of years that the idea of her mother passing away really hit me. As absolutely crazy as she is, my mother is my best friend. It pains me just thinking about losing her; I can’t imagine the pain she had in losing Nana. 

My family life is what it is. Losing my grandmother was just the start of a complicated and messy relationship which would eventually turn into an estrangement from both sides of my family. It’s been that way for so long that it doesn't usually phase me. Until last year. 

My nana, my sunshine, my forever Valentine 🐝

A few months ago, I was walking around the neighborhood when Forrest Frank’s “HEY GRANDAD” started playing. I’ve heard this song plenty of times and can even recite the conversation between Forrest and his grandad. The biggest smile sweeps my face everytime I hear this song because Dr. Neil Frank’s testimony is so powerful and the wisdom behind the reflection of his life is so great. “You look back on your life and you say, what would I have done different? And I would tell you I would do more to be related to God. That’s the important lesson.” 

But on this particular day, on this particular walk, I was met with grief rather than encouragement. It was grandad’s chuckle and the words “is that right” that made me burst into tears. I have never heard a more grandparent-esque phrase, and I would never hear that grandparent-esque phrase from my own grandparents. Instantaneously, my eyes were flooded with tears and I was hiding my face from neighbors so they wouldn’t catch me crying. I never cry, especially in public, and especially over this. But hit it me in that moment: I will never have a life-update phone call with my grandparents. 

Then the thoughts started racing. I thought of all the times that I wish I could have had my grandfather look at me with proud eyes or feel comfort as I wrap myself in my grandmother’s arms. The graduations, Christmases, and birthdays that have come and gone, all were celebrated without them. And sure, I am so thankful for my parents and sister, and I am thankful for all of those distant cousins and friends who have become a substitute for my lack of family. But what about my real family? Why do they not want to get to know me or my sister? How could they go so long without sending anything addressed to us? What did I do that was so wrong that made me unworthy of their love and attention?

These questions pop up from time to time, but I notice that the last question haunts me more than the others. In so many cases, I find myself asking if my relationship with someone is strained because of my flaws. Constantly, I ask myself if I am being used, abused, ridiculed, or neglected by people. Ultimately, am I unwanted? Am I unloved?

Interestingly, this family freakout I had came a day after I questioned if my (at the time) new friends wanted me around or just invited me out of pity. And then the following day I was questioning if another group of friends really sent me correct information to a party or if I was being teased. With new friends, old friends, and family, I consistently doubt my worth and presence. I reflect on the times that I messed up or didn’t feel good enough, and I reason that it is because of those times of insufficiency that people don’t want me around. But you know who does want you around? Jesus.

All those times I wasn’t good enough -- the assignments I failed, the lies I told, the rumors I spread, the excuses I made, the hate I would give -- Christ saw me disrespecting and disobeying Him and others. Yet He still pointed at me and said “I pick you.” In John 15:16, Jesus says “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit.” He saw everything, all your insecurities and failures, and still wanted you.

Now I go back to the question of if I am unwanted or unloved. This question makes me doubt my worth. And to be honest, I don't always know if it is true or not. I don’t know if I was unwanted by my family or friends. I hope I wasn’t. And even if I was, I pray that we can be reconciled so that I may be able to have a relationship with them and show the love and grace of Christ. Either way, this question is straight from the enemy because in no place in Scripture does God say we are unworthy. In fact, the entirety of Scripture claims the opposite.

Recently, I wrote a list of reasons why I love the Bible. I love its accuracy, history, encouragement, etc., but one of my favorite things about the Bible is that it is a whole story describing how God loves us.

It is the story of the Creator who places His beloved creations in a paradise. While He puts in place the rules to live in this paradise, He also enables free will in His creations. When His creations disobey Him, He clothes them and provides them with another chance. Mistake after mistake, His creations stray. Yet through it all, He consistently shows His love in His provision, comfort, discipline, and patience. He humbled Himself, stepping off of His throne, so He could experience what the creatures experienced. The pain, hurt, temptations, everything that was keeping them from Him, He experienced. And after living righteously in step with the Creator and His laws, He made the choice to be the sacrifice for all creation. He took on the judgement and the wrath so that the creatures could be free and able to live righteously. He covered the creation in righteousness before the eyes of the Creator so the two can live together one day. This is the story of love. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” This is the story of reconciliation. “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

There are many reasons I have faith in Jesus, but above all, no one has loved me like Jesus. Yes, there are times when I am disciplined and convicted by Him and it hurts, but He never condemns. “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” Aligning with the word of God is difficult and painful sometimes, however the reward of knowing that all your mistakes are washed away in His eyes and He only wants to love you is insurmountable. The hope, faith and love that you receive is like no other. I know that it is the love of Jesus that fuels my heart because I have never felt so welcomed, comforted, or at peace until I kneeled before the Lord. I know that it is the love of Jesus that fuels my heart because there have been no other times that I have been so overcome with joy that I could do nothing but sob. Like I said, I don’t cry. But Jesus makes me cry. He makes me cry happy tears because He is the source of all joy and all love. God is love. And God loves you.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

~1 John 4:7-11

Now go back to the top, read 1 Corinthians 13 again, and replace "love" with "God"

♡